Research Proves Time Runs Slower for Government Employees
In a groundbreaking revelation that has left both scientists and frustrated citizens saying "I told you so," researchers at the Indian Institute of Bureaucratic Studies (IIBS) have confirmed that time indeed moves at a painfully slow pace inside government offices. While ordinary citizens experience time in a normal, linear fashion, government employees exist in a mysterious temporal bubble where deadlines are theoretical, urgency is a myth, and "kal aana" (come tomorrow) is an acceptable unit of time measurement.
"We’ve spent years studying this phenomenon," said Dr. P. Sharma, head of the Department of Existential Waiting. "What we found is astonishing—while an hour in the real world is just an hour, inside a government office, the same hour can stretch into days, weeks, or even fiscal years, depending on how many forms need stamping."
Key Findings of the Study:
1. The Slower You Move, the More Important You Look
The research confirms a direct correlation between the speed of movement and the perception of power. Clerks and assistants move at roughly 0.001 meters per hour, while senior officers are rumored to exist only in ghost-like states, appearing briefly before vanishing behind mountains of unattended paperwork.
2. Lunch Breaks: A Wormhole to Another Dimension
A standard government lunch break is officially 1 hour but, due to laziness-induced time dilation, it expands unpredictably. Employees often vanish at 1:00 PM and only return once the sun is at an apologetic angle. One intern, who went in to follow up on his paperwork, emerged two decades later, now a middle-aged man, still waiting for approval.
3. The Quantum Superposition of Paperwork
Much like Schrödinger's cat, your application is both approved and not approved at the same time. No one knows its actual status until an officer bothers to check—an event that occurs roughly once per leap year.
4. The Law of Infinite Signatures
A single government file must be stamped, signed, and verified by at least 17 different officials before it moves an inch. Scientists believe this may be an attempt to achieve bureaucratic enlightenment, though skeptics argue it’s just an elaborate prank on taxpayers.
5. A Task That Takes 5 Minutes Must Take at Least a Week
Government employees follow a unique Work Expansion Principle—any task that could be completed in minutes must instead be stretched out over several days. The famous phrase "Abhi ho jaayega" (It'll be done soon) has been mathematically proven to mean "Not in this lifetime, buddy."
Government Officials Respond
In response to the study, the National Association of Government Employees Doing Nothing (NAGEDN) has denied all claims, stating that the approval process for this research will take a minimum of six months, subject to availability of the concerned officer. Meanwhile, frustrated citizens have suggested renaming government offices to "Time Travel Centers," where once you enter, your past, present, and future cease to have meaning.
Conclusion
With this research now public, experts are calling for reforms to speed up government processes. However, when asked for their opinion, a senior officer simply looked up from his cup of chai, nodded, and said, "Haan, dekhenge..." (Yes, we’ll see...) before going back to ignoring paperwork.
Meanwhile, scientists are planning their next study—whether government employees are actually immortal, given how little work-related stress they experience.
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